One Year Ago

Sometimes Sweet started a journal day for every Thursday. I love the idea and find it easier to follow a prompt rather than think up my own.  So, here we go:

Prompt #3: They say hindsight is 20/20, and with good reason- looking back at something always gives us a better view. We're often able to really see how our choices and decisions then shaped our today, and examine what we would have done differently given the chance. When looking back though, we often look way back, but for this exercise stay a little closer to present time and look back just 12 months. If you could go back just one year, what would you tell yourself? What advice would you offer about everything you've experienced?

One year ago I was pregnant with Arthur, but I hadn't really told people.  This takes a bit of explanation.  In summer 2012, I found out I was pregnant and promptly told everyone.  I was so excited.  And then in August, I had a miscarriage.  It destroyed me for a few months.  By Christmas 2012, I was ready both mentally and physically to try again.  But I was still extremely scared and anxious what would happen.  In January, I became pregnant and tentatively started to hope.  As March began, I was still in a "wait and see" mode.  I didn't want to get everyone's hopes up just to lose another baby.  I wasn't even allowing myself to imagine what my future would look like and be like.  I didn't want to become attached.  And so I spent most of February and March pretending everything was okay when I was a wreck inside.

Obviously that pregnancy went smoothly and I now have a beautiful healthy baby boy.  If I could tell myself one thing it would be to not worry so much.  Things will work out.  You don't always have to expect the worst.  Sometimes things really do turn out great.  It's hard for me to be optimistic.  If I could, my life might be a little bit easier.

Music Memories

Sometimes Sweet started a journal day for every Thursday. I love the idea and find it easier to follow a prompt rather than think up my own.  So, here we go:

Prompt #2: We all have songs that really mean something to us. Often just hearing it can take us right back to that place and we are able to re-experience the memory associated with the song. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, but either way music has the ability to really draw things out of us and evoke deep emotion. Choose a song that has a particular meaning to you. Tell the story of the memory associated with the song, sharing as much detail as you can. Take us there; let us experience it with you.

My memory isn't just one song, but a mini playlist.  My junior year of high school, I drove a few of my friends to and from school.  We had our own little carpool.  I quickly realized that I hated listening to the radio in the morning (tons of talking, not enough music).  And so I began to create mixtapes to entertain us in the morning (and in the afternoon).  Yes, they were cassette tapes.  This was before most cards had cd players and definitely before mp3 players.  I diligently sat at home with my boombox in front of the stereo and started taping.  Every morning, I would listen to the radio until I picked up my best friend, Beth.  Funny aside: she lived the closest to school (1 block away!) but I always picked her up first.  We would pop the tape in and start our day right with some headbanging top-of-our-lungs singing of The Offspring.  And then we would cool down to some Barenaked Ladies and Five Iron Frenzy while throwing in some Korn and Snoop Dog.  It was always a party.  We would then drive around picking up my other carpoolers and eventually make it to school.  In the afternoon, we would pick up wherever we left off on the tape.  That tape lived in my car for two years.  I only played it on the way to and from school.  It was a special tape for a special occasion.  Those mornings and afternoons were my first taste of true freedom.  I had a car, I was all on my own, I had my friends with me to enjoy the ride.  Anytime one of these songs pops up in my iTunes shuffle, I immediately go right back to high school hanging with my friends and my little white Hyundai Accent rocking our way to another day at school.

P.S. I know there were more songs, but for the life of me, I can't remember them all.  And the tape has disappeared into some landfill somewhere...

At a Crossroads...

Sometimes Sweet started a journal day for every Thursday. I love the idea and find it easier to follow a prompt rather than think up my own.  So, here we go:

Prompt #1: Everyone has a time in their life they view as a crossroad. Sometimes you can see it as it's happening, and you're able to choose one way or another. Other times you may not realize you're there until you look back, and see what a turning point it really was. This week, write about a time you view as a marker in your life; a distinct place where things changed, for better or worse.

My crossroads came in June of 2011 and it wasn't all amazing.  After an entire year of unemployment and feeling stuck, I finally made a huge change in my life and moved to Nebraska to be with J and a fresh start.  I had decided to make the move almost a year before then, but I was stuck in Indiana because of a custody fight.  My ex didn't want me to move the twins to Nebraska.  And so we began an almost year long back and forth.  It was draining both financially and emotionally.  After that year, an agreement was reached.  One I was not that keen on.  But it was a change and it allowed me to move ahead with my life instead of being stuck in limbo.  Come June, I packed up my entire life into a U-haul, left my boys with mom until they could fly out, and drove 10 hours to another life.  It felt like my life started anew.  From that point forward, things have increasingly gotten better in my life.  My relationship with J has deepened.  I finally found who I could be with for the the rest of my life.  I moved into a different career.  Even though I am not currently working, I have worked in new and different fields learning new skills.  I have found a new support system of friends with like interests (crafters and moms!).  And finally, I have added another member to my family with the birth of my beautiful Arthur.  While the choices weren't optimal, I feel like I eventually made a decision and set my life on a better path filled with endless opportunities.