WARNING: This post contains very personal tragic news.  It also contains graphic descriptions... I initially didn't want to write this post, but then I thought that I needed to.  If not only for myself.    A few weeks ago I announced that we were having a baby in March.  I was super excited.  I started thinking of nursery ideas.  I made an Amazon baby registry.  We picked out a boy's and a girl's name.  I started to plan my coming year around the arrival.

And then this week everything went horribly wrong  At dinner on Sunday, I noticed some bleeding.  I was concerned and called the nurses' advice line.  Since I wasn't having any pain, they just asked me to monitor.  Around 11pm, I started having cramps and heavier bleeding.  Again I called the nurses' line.  Again they told me to monitor.  If things became worse, I was to go to the ER.  They were going to call me the next morning with an available appointment time.  I spent a sleepless night waiting for something to change, one way or another.  Morning came, I called, and an appointment opened up at 9:45am.  By this time, the cramps had gotten worse, but the bleeding was slowing.

I went to the doctor.  After doing a cursory physical exam, we moved on to the important task: a vaginal ultrasound.  The doctor didn't like the quality of the picture, so he called for a newer model.  Right then, I knew it wasn't good news.  The new machine was brought in and he spent an inordinate amount of time looking at the pictures.  Because he didn't immediately reassure me of a heartbeat, I knew something was terribly wrong.  He confirmed that sometime between my last ultrasound and this week the baby lost a heartbeat.  But I hadn't completely miscarried yet.  After a few tearful moments in the exam room, we moved to the doctor's office to discuss what happens next.  My actual OB called me to set up a D and C for Thursday.  Once that is completed, this pregnancy will be over.

So I went home, cried, and eventually went to sleep.  I awoke around 4:30am needing to go to the bathroom.  As soon as I reached the toilet, there was a huge gush of blood and horrible cramps.  I sat there for a few minutes, but the pain became so intense I just couldn't move.  I had J call 911.  They came, asked a ton of questions, and put me in an ambulance.  We arrived at the hospital, they admitted me to the ER, and hooked me up to many many wires.  Over the next two hours, they game me an IV, took blood, and called the doctor in for an exam.  During the exam, the pain became intense.  They decided to give me morphine.  They ordered the OB for consult and an ultrasound.  Those didn't come for another four hours.  They finally wheeled me to ultrasound.  The regular ultrasound went fairly okay.  But then the tech wanted me to use the restroom to perform a vaginal ultrasound.  As soon as I sat up, blood went everywhere.  I make it to the bathroom, but in the process made a huge mess of the restroom.  The tech said that I passed over a cup of blood clots.  She performed the ultrasound, but it was intense. They wheeled me back to my ER room, however the pain increased to beyond intense.  I couldn't take it.  They eventually gave me two doses of morphine plus another pain drug (don't remember the name as I was in so much pain).  After another two hours, they decided to send me home...

And that was another adventure. Trying to get dressed in the hospital, I lost another huge amount of blood and ruined most of my clothes.  Oh well.  They can be washed.  We visited the discharge pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions of Percocet and Zofran (anti-nausea medication).  All this time, I was extremely light headed and nauseous.  I'm not quite sure how the hell I made it through the ride home.  As soon as I arrived, I headed to the bathroom where I passed a huge amount of blood and tissue.  After a few minutes, I made it back to the bed and went to sleep.  I managed to eat a bowl of soup at some point that evening, settling my stomach and giving me a bit of energy.  I managed to stay awake for a few hours, but crashed pretty soon.  Except for a few mid-night bathroom visits, I sleep for over twelve hours.

I woke up Wednesday in much better spirits and much less pain.  I managed to eat again and decrease my pain medication by an amount.  I only took a few Percocets (less than the prescription) and supplemented with Ibuprofen (per doctor's suggestion).  The dizziness and nausea continued, but less than Tuesday's symptoms.

On Thursday, I returned to the hospital for my D and C (Dilation and Curettage).  Basically they clean everything out.  Unfortunately I couldn't eat or drink for hours beforehand.  I arrived, dressed in those o-so-lovely hospital gowns, and received an IV.  God I really hate getting stuck with those damn needles.  After reviewing my chart and medical history, my OB came to speak to me beforehand.  We reviewed my ER visit and everything that had happened since.  They wheeled me into the procedure room and injected me with some drugs.  The actual procedure only took about 15 minutes.  In and out.  I was back in the recovery area letting the drugs leave my system.  I finally got to have a drink of water.  J had a chat with the doctor and grabbed my standard prescription for an antibiotic.  Within the next half hour, I was dressed and ready to return home.

I was very hungry, so J picked me up a Subway sandwich on the way home.  After eating and taking some pain meds, I felt much better.  The doctor told me that I will have mild cramps and bleeding for another few days, but everything should start to clear up soon.  Already I feel much better.  My appetite is coming back.  The cramps and bleeding have decreased.  And I have lessened my pain meds dosage.  I think this is finally ending...

So what I am feeling?  Loss, pain, emptiness.  Everything was going fine.  There was no reason to be concerned.  And yet, statistics tell us that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage.  This isn't completely uncommon.  But it was a shock to me.  Now I am rethinking my future.  I want to have more biological children.     However, I'm so scared that this will happen again.  Even if I do get pregnant again, I don't think I'll be telling anyone until well into the second trimester.  Is there anyone else out there that has been in the same situation?  I feel like miscarriage is one of those topics that no one discusses.